my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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