It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
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