He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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