I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
