I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
