ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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