is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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