I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
