I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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