I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
