If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
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I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
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Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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