New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
