I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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