Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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