Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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