Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
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I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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