A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
