we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
