Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
