He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
