hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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