Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
