Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
