WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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