i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
