He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
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What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
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The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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