And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
