Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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