escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
