mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
