Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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