I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
