I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
