you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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