My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
