if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
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So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
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don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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