shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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