My room smells like vodka and shame
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
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He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
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WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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