I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
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