no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
