I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
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she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
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No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
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