Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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