you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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