Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
