I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
