Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
