If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
