dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
