can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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