Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
