This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
tonight lets celebrate not being married
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
