Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
