Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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