Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.