Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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