I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We had sex on a dog bed..
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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