I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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