You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
